"Every servant of God must pass through a catharsis in
order to prepare them for what is to come. It is only
through these difficult tests and challenges that God can
mold us into the person that we would otherwise never be.”
-From Man of Light
by Kimberly Panisset Curcio
My personal catharsis began almost two years ago with a simple statement. The day before my 40th birthday I verbalized to a friend for the first time in my life what I had always thought, “All I have ever wanted to be was normal.” In response, Julian quickly pointed out that, “If you are not normal now, than you probably will never be.” This comment seemingly might come off as being unkind, but the truth is that it came at the most perfect time for me to actually hear it. Just a week before, I purchased my first book on spiritual healing that I just began that very day. Spiritual healing was certainly not what I associated with being ‘normal’. If I am not normal now, than I probably will never be became the most beautiful words to me that I had ever heard. It allowed me to open the door (even if just a crack) to lead me toward a new direction. It was one of the many catalysts that drew me into the person that I am today. This comment was just a starting point, as I had a long way to go, but it did indeed launch me to learning that I have value. I AM a person of Worth. My so called abnormal life was Truth for me.
I have always held my True Self inside for fear that someone might see the Real Me and judge me and make me feel badly about myself. What I have learned is that I am the only person that can make me feel badly about myself. That was such an interesting concept for me to discover, but it is true.
I am, for the first time in my life, open about my psychic, empathic and spiritual sides. My mother told me as a teenager to hide my gifts as others would think I was crazy. I tested out her theory only to find that she was right. The world was not ready yet, and she was simply protecting me. However, my true nature went into deep hiding for the next 25 years. I became the one that everyone invited to their social gatherings. I was the best dressed and I always had men flanked by my side. I laughed at their jokes and I told my own. Life was just one big party.
For the last year, The Universe decided to surprise me with my catharsis, challenging me with my biggest test to date. “We are only given as much as we can handle,” became familiar words to me as I discovered an inner strength I never knew existed before.
During this time, I have had deep financial difficulties. I have owned a business for the last 6 years, where when I work, I make an abundant amount of money, but when I am not working I am not earning a regular paycheck. The last 12 months have been more sporadic with work than at any other time in my life and my savings became depleted. I was not honoring myself and because of this my services were not attracting clients. I lost everything; my art work, my newly redecorated furnishings; my home. I had to unwillingly at the time learn how to let go of material things.
The interesting part of this is that even though my life has not been easy as it once was, I have learned so many wonderful things about myself during this time of my so-called hardship that I would not have changed one second of it.
I have learned that for the first 40 years of my life I have been utterly miserable. Don’t get me wrong, I could have easily won an Oscar for Best Female Actor in a Leading Role for acting like I was happy, but that was simply my façade; my way of dealing with my own deep insecurities. Indeed, I had true moments of happiness, but they were often clouded with fear.
During the workless days of the last year, I became restless and needed to fill my time. I began to read metaphysical books that interested me. I devoured one after the other. I couldn’t get enough and found the more I read, the happier I became. I would often study and meditate at Ocean Beach and I recognized that I wanted to receive a Master’s Degree in the subject. I didn’t know where or how yet, especially considering my financial situation, but I knew I must pursue this dream.
Finding the right fit wasn’t as difficult as I would have imagined. I wanted to attend a correspondence school so that I could study around my intermittent work schedule. I wanted to make monthly payments that were affordable and once I visualized what I wanted I found the right school that offered the right classes. AIHT (American Institute of Holistic Theology) was the perfect fit to start me onto the next chapter of my life.
During this time, I also discovered Reiki (spiritual energy healing). I have since become an advanced Reiki practitioner which has added to my bread basket of goodies that I am pursuing.
I have investigated hypnotherapy and past-life regression and have integrated my discovered former lives, both positive and negative, into my current incarnation as a whole unit. I have forgiven the past and am learning to live in the present.
I had an epiphany and was able to quit drinking easily and on my own after 26 years of that lifestyle. My desire for Peace, Love and Happiness now far outweighed my desire to have a glass of wine.
I am writing, writing, writing. I am keeping a journal; I am writing a book and I have started the site that you are reading now. I am reading and writing early in the morning, through lunch and sometimes late at night; I work out 1-2.5 hours, 6 days a week, practicing yoga, dance, kickboxing, weight training and walking. I meditate at least once a day and perform reiki once or twice a day. I engage in all these many activities and yet I am not tired. I suppose it is because I love what I am doing.
I have finally learned to express my own emotions, not keeping them inadvertently bottled up for decades, even the negative emotions. We are human beings and we carry a wide array of emotions. I now deal with all the emotions I have as they come up, so that they then transition away quickly. If I am sad, I am sad in the moment; if I am angry I am angry in the moment and then I am not. It’s all perfect. To quote Thick Nhat Hanh “A human being is like a television set with millions of channels. If we turn the Buddha on, we are the Buddha. If we turn sorrow on, we are sorrow. If we turn a smile on, we really are the smile. We cannot let just one channel dominate us. We have the seed of everything in us, and we have to seize the situation in our hand, to recover our own sovereignty.”
As the world is shifting into the next stage of Enlightenment based on Spirituality, I find it not only easier to share my True Self, but more and more people like me began showing up in my life. They are mirroring who I am today and those that mirrored who I was in the past have all drifted away.
My challenge over the last year is that even with the many gifts I have attained, I have been struggling with the idea if I should move back to the corporate arena that I detest just to pay rent and have a permanent roof over my head and in the process give up who I am today, a happy person OR do I continue on my journey of exploration into my True Self, discovering my True Gifts? I have been back and forth and back and forth again between this quandary. Then the small voice inside me told me to listen to my Heart and not my head. I realized that I had one element of fear to conquer. My EGO was listening to the voices outside myself telling me I had to go back to corporate America, working 80 hours a week to be normal.
As of today I can not only safely, but categorically and emphatically say that I would GLADLY live my life as I have this past year for the rest of my life if it meant to study what interests me and to serve others with my true gifts. In the meantime, I open myself to Grace and to all the splendors of the world and I am actively pursuing whatever it takes to make me a better person. I spend more time writing, studying and in contemplation in one day then most people do in a lifetime. And that is OK, they are hopefully fulfilling their dharma (life’s work), as I am fulfilling mine. I am no longer living in the so called standard for how others think I should live my life and at the same token, I am no longer imposing my beliefs on how another should live, as they too have their own journeys to make. I also KNOW that in saying this that abundance IS coming to me as I AM honoring myself for the first time in my life and fulfilling my destiny!
I AM Super-Woman. I am a Jedi-Knight. I have learned to respect and have allowed the Inner Goddess in me to flourish. I now take responsibility for my whole life and trust in the Universe that whatever it has in store for me will be Perfect in the true sense of the word. I am choosing my life and I will work with it and not impose upon others to help me through it as there is nothing to actually help me through.
I thank The Universe for every gift it has given me including teaching me that I am Perfect and I am Perfectly Happy and this is the best time in my life thus far with only greater aspirations coming my way over the horizon. I know that for the first time in my life I AM aligned with my purpose. I am not the measure of the things I acquire, I AM the measure of the Inner Light I express. My Declaration of Independence is about asserting independence from society not as an anarchist, but as a Spiritual Be-ing working towards my freedom from fear. As I write this I think of Martin Luther King’s words, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, “I AM” free at last!”
While my hopes are that no one has to go through the challenges I have endured, I do hope that every person finds within themselves whatever it is that is their true calling and that makes them happy. Even if that means working at that “thing” for only an hour a day as that would be a start in the right direction.
Thank you for reading and Namaste! (The Light in me recognizes the Light in you!)
I have always held my True Self inside for fear that someone might see the Real Me and judge me and make me feel badly about myself. What I have learned is that I am the only person that can make me feel badly about myself. That was such an interesting concept for me to discover, but it is true.
I am, for the first time in my life, open about my psychic, empathic and spiritual sides. My mother told me as a teenager to hide my gifts as others would think I was crazy. I tested out her theory only to find that she was right. The world was not ready yet, and she was simply protecting me. However, my true nature went into deep hiding for the next 25 years. I became the one that everyone invited to their social gatherings. I was the best dressed and I always had men flanked by my side. I laughed at their jokes and I told my own. Life was just one big party.
For the last year, The Universe decided to surprise me with my catharsis, challenging me with my biggest test to date. “We are only given as much as we can handle,” became familiar words to me as I discovered an inner strength I never knew existed before.
During this time, I have had deep financial difficulties. I have owned a business for the last 6 years, where when I work, I make an abundant amount of money, but when I am not working I am not earning a regular paycheck. The last 12 months have been more sporadic with work than at any other time in my life and my savings became depleted. I was not honoring myself and because of this my services were not attracting clients. I lost everything; my art work, my newly redecorated furnishings; my home. I had to unwillingly at the time learn how to let go of material things.
The interesting part of this is that even though my life has not been easy as it once was, I have learned so many wonderful things about myself during this time of my so-called hardship that I would not have changed one second of it.
I have learned that for the first 40 years of my life I have been utterly miserable. Don’t get me wrong, I could have easily won an Oscar for Best Female Actor in a Leading Role for acting like I was happy, but that was simply my façade; my way of dealing with my own deep insecurities. Indeed, I had true moments of happiness, but they were often clouded with fear.
During the workless days of the last year, I became restless and needed to fill my time. I began to read metaphysical books that interested me. I devoured one after the other. I couldn’t get enough and found the more I read, the happier I became. I would often study and meditate at Ocean Beach and I recognized that I wanted to receive a Master’s Degree in the subject. I didn’t know where or how yet, especially considering my financial situation, but I knew I must pursue this dream.
Finding the right fit wasn’t as difficult as I would have imagined. I wanted to attend a correspondence school so that I could study around my intermittent work schedule. I wanted to make monthly payments that were affordable and once I visualized what I wanted I found the right school that offered the right classes. AIHT (American Institute of Holistic Theology) was the perfect fit to start me onto the next chapter of my life.
During this time, I also discovered Reiki (spiritual energy healing). I have since become an advanced Reiki practitioner which has added to my bread basket of goodies that I am pursuing.
I have investigated hypnotherapy and past-life regression and have integrated my discovered former lives, both positive and negative, into my current incarnation as a whole unit. I have forgiven the past and am learning to live in the present.
I had an epiphany and was able to quit drinking easily and on my own after 26 years of that lifestyle. My desire for Peace, Love and Happiness now far outweighed my desire to have a glass of wine.
I am writing, writing, writing. I am keeping a journal; I am writing a book and I have started the site that you are reading now. I am reading and writing early in the morning, through lunch and sometimes late at night; I work out 1-2.5 hours, 6 days a week, practicing yoga, dance, kickboxing, weight training and walking. I meditate at least once a day and perform reiki once or twice a day. I engage in all these many activities and yet I am not tired. I suppose it is because I love what I am doing.
I have finally learned to express my own emotions, not keeping them inadvertently bottled up for decades, even the negative emotions. We are human beings and we carry a wide array of emotions. I now deal with all the emotions I have as they come up, so that they then transition away quickly. If I am sad, I am sad in the moment; if I am angry I am angry in the moment and then I am not. It’s all perfect. To quote Thick Nhat Hanh “A human being is like a television set with millions of channels. If we turn the Buddha on, we are the Buddha. If we turn sorrow on, we are sorrow. If we turn a smile on, we really are the smile. We cannot let just one channel dominate us. We have the seed of everything in us, and we have to seize the situation in our hand, to recover our own sovereignty.”
As the world is shifting into the next stage of Enlightenment based on Spirituality, I find it not only easier to share my True Self, but more and more people like me began showing up in my life. They are mirroring who I am today and those that mirrored who I was in the past have all drifted away.
My challenge over the last year is that even with the many gifts I have attained, I have been struggling with the idea if I should move back to the corporate arena that I detest just to pay rent and have a permanent roof over my head and in the process give up who I am today, a happy person OR do I continue on my journey of exploration into my True Self, discovering my True Gifts? I have been back and forth and back and forth again between this quandary. Then the small voice inside me told me to listen to my Heart and not my head. I realized that I had one element of fear to conquer. My EGO was listening to the voices outside myself telling me I had to go back to corporate America, working 80 hours a week to be normal.
As of today I can not only safely, but categorically and emphatically say that I would GLADLY live my life as I have this past year for the rest of my life if it meant to study what interests me and to serve others with my true gifts. In the meantime, I open myself to Grace and to all the splendors of the world and I am actively pursuing whatever it takes to make me a better person. I spend more time writing, studying and in contemplation in one day then most people do in a lifetime. And that is OK, they are hopefully fulfilling their dharma (life’s work), as I am fulfilling mine. I am no longer living in the so called standard for how others think I should live my life and at the same token, I am no longer imposing my beliefs on how another should live, as they too have their own journeys to make. I also KNOW that in saying this that abundance IS coming to me as I AM honoring myself for the first time in my life and fulfilling my destiny!
I AM Super-Woman. I am a Jedi-Knight. I have learned to respect and have allowed the Inner Goddess in me to flourish. I now take responsibility for my whole life and trust in the Universe that whatever it has in store for me will be Perfect in the true sense of the word. I am choosing my life and I will work with it and not impose upon others to help me through it as there is nothing to actually help me through.
I thank The Universe for every gift it has given me including teaching me that I am Perfect and I am Perfectly Happy and this is the best time in my life thus far with only greater aspirations coming my way over the horizon. I know that for the first time in my life I AM aligned with my purpose. I am not the measure of the things I acquire, I AM the measure of the Inner Light I express. My Declaration of Independence is about asserting independence from society not as an anarchist, but as a Spiritual Be-ing working towards my freedom from fear. As I write this I think of Martin Luther King’s words, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, “I AM” free at last!”
While my hopes are that no one has to go through the challenges I have endured, I do hope that every person finds within themselves whatever it is that is their true calling and that makes them happy. Even if that means working at that “thing” for only an hour a day as that would be a start in the right direction.
Thank you for reading and Namaste! (The Light in me recognizes the Light in you!)
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