The genesis of this particular blog entry was actually going to be a note written to two of my friends. As I typed out the words on an email, the story began to take a life of its own. Thoughts poured out of me in only an hour’s time and as I was writing it, I was hearing it in my head like an urban poem. As I practiced it out loud, I decided that the vibration of sound was important for its telling and so I chose to make this my first blog entry with my voice. However, as a writer, who loves the written word, I opted to have the text below it, as well. That way, you can choose to listen to it or read it, or do both or even none at all. So, with that in mind, I share my thoughts to those who are drawn to it.
This work is called:
A Love Letter to my Self:
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who grew up “different” than everyone else. She could see things that others did not. She could feel things that others did not. She understood things that others did not. All of this made this little girl feel like an outsider. She didn’t like having the attention drawn to her and as a result, she remained quiet.
She was known as the good little girl—always excelling in school, always the best patient, always the one that didn’t want to make any waves—and she continued to keep quiet.
When the little girl was thirteen, she decided it was best to save every single penny that she had earned over the course of the year so that she could buy a whole new wardrobe for herself when she reached high school. She wanted to be cool and the clothes surely would have made her so. During that year, as she saved her money, she went out with friends to the mall and to the rolling rink, pretending to be outgoing. The shy girl wanted people to like her, so she put up a front that was not really her at all. She became an actor in her own life.
Eventually, this extroverted attitude she had developed became a natural part of her. She no longer had to work at it. She no longer had to act. Yet, she still was hiding. She was hiding her Truth. The ubiquitous amount of words coming from her mouth, never really said anything that was meaningful. She didn’t want to rock the proverbial boat or step out of line. She still didn’t want anyone to think she was weird. So, she said nothing of consequence.
As this teenager grew into womanhood, she brought with her the amiable and outgoing traits along for the ride. Because of them, she excelled at sales. Once, during an initial meeting for a potential job, she was asked to “sell” a pencil to the interviewer…She got the job. It didn’t matter if this woman was selling clothes or hundred thousand dollar events, she had learned to be outgoing and she could sell it all.
In her private life, she had men, lots of men. She likened herself to be a female “Fonzerelli”. The Fonz, from the show Happy Days, could get any woman at any time of day, simply by snapping his fingers. This was not too far off from what this woman could do. She erroneously assumed that her ability to “have” any of these men made her feel loved or at least appreciated somehow.
And so, even though she could sell any product and she could get as many notches on her lust belt that she demanded, she remained quiet. Words still flew out in every direction, but she hid behind the image that she had successfully created, never speaking about what was really going on inside her.
Because of this, this woman sought out pleasure from a bottle, but what she was really doing was burying her emotions, while keeping the voice of Spirit at bay. Free will allowed her egoic self to be at center stage. Because of this she was the life of the party, but inside she was in pain.
Then one day, the Universe decided to take away every “thing” that this woman had built up around her—destroying the accouterments of this faux sense of self that she had created. She had to learn to move within. She slowly began to recognize her True Gifts and each day, she shed another old belief and another old way of doing things, making room for all the good stuff to come in. She learned with Grace what her mission on Earth was all about.
Through this process, she built up a new business celebrating Spirit. She methodically learned and as she learned she shared with others. She opened her doors to share for the first time her True Self with those who were inspired to join her. It was during this time of quiet contemplation and joyful sharing of Self, which gave her the opportunity to feel genuine happiness for the first time. But still, without realizing it, she kept part of herself hidden. She didn’t want to appear to be strange.
During one of her group gatherings, another woman named Alexe boldly stated that this woman needed to allow herself to be vulnerable. She, of course, knew this to be true, but she was not ready yet. However, these words were a Spiritual flag post, enabling this woman to begin to recognize the importance of vulnerability. The seed had been planted to sprout on another date, and all the while the thought was always somewhere on the surface, so that the woman could refer to it whenever she needed to.
The woman continued on her path of Self discovery—still learning and still sharing and still creating. She was on the verge of changing her website to something that spoke to her in that moment. She had been working on the mock-up images for months. Yet, it never seemed quite right and besides which the money was not available to implement the changes anyway. Then one day, her friend Elizabeth told her that it might be time to change her company name. The woman had been toying with releasing this company name for some time. However, she didn’t want to make any waves. She didn’t want to make any changes. She was still scared.
In the recent past, when she had kept her Spirit Self open to those who were open to it, she still hid behind the wall of shame she had built up around her to everyone else. However, something happened to her on that day that her friend suggested to release the name. She meditated on the idea and decided that it was time after all. In one fell swoop, that wall of shame now came crumbling down. And as she realized that the old company identity was a metaphor for this shield, she knew in her heart it was time to come out from behind it. It was time to shine BRIGHTLY to herself and to the Universe at large. This representation of the shield no longer served her. She thanked it for playing with her for awhile, for it had been good to her. She then allowed it to move on its own journey, perhaps helping someone else on their path.
Not only that, she changed the original mock-up for her new website. Everything flowed together and the new designs were ready in only a weekend. She had been working on the other design for nearly six months and this flowed easily to her…and in only a few hours. As she looked at the new site with its shades of blues and greens, she realized that the old purple site represented her connecting with the voice of Spirit and the new blues and greens were a symbol for her ability to communicate her Truth clearly, concisely and from the Heart.
As everything was in its process of manifesting, she changed all the URLs for all her social networking sites to reflect the new name of her company—the name she had been given at birth. She morphed the signature on her emails to reflect the person she was now allowing to come forward...and as she did so she re-discovered that she was happy—not just while she was celebrating Spirit, but all the time—for it all is a celebration of Spirit.
And as she opened herself up, the sweet tears streamed down her cheeks, because she realized that for the first time in her life, she was allowing herself to be vulnerable—and amazingly, she discovered it felt good.
This woman, who of course is me, feels at the core level of her Being, the immense shift in Consciousness that has been offered to her…I thank Alexe and I thank Elizabeth, who inadvertently became two powerful messengers for my journey…I thank the Universe for helping me to see my Light and I thank my Higher Self… for it has always…been there…with me.
Thank you for reading and Namaste! (The Light in me recognizes the Light in you!)
