Getting to the Core

I am always fascinated when we have an opportunity to learn new things.  I know for myself I was given such an opportunity recently.  For you see my back went out and I have been living with various degrees of pain over the course of the last month and a
half.  Granted, I could have sat and complained about this affliction the entire time, and sometimes I have complained—and screamed—and I have even cried.  After all, it is my goal to live in the moment with whatever emotion I am feeling, so that I can release it and move on.  Thankfully, I also chose to look within to see what information was there for me.  Much to my complete joy, a plethora of new ideas has sprung forth—and for that I am grateful.

To back up a bit, it was 27 years ago when it happened to me for the first time.  I was staying with a girlfriend of mine in her dorm room so that we could do what any typical college student does—we ventured out to the local parties.  While at our first location, somewhere in the same dormitory, my back went out.  To give a clear idea of what exactly that meant for me, I was in so much pain that standing, sitting or being horizontal were all hopeless positions for me to be in. 

To make matters worse, my friend handed me a bottle of vodka claiming that it would surely deaden the pain.  Unfortunately, all it did was make me drunk.  It didn’t make an iota of difference in alleviating the excruciating discomfort I was in.  Luckily, within a couple of hours, my intuition kicked in and I was guided to lie on the floor with my rear end against a chair, while my legs were held up by the chair.  Essentially, I looked like I was in a seated position, except for the fact that I was on the floor.  The next morning, I was right as rain and life went on.

Five years later, it happened again, only this time it was worse.  I stood up from a seated position and something clicked in my back.   I fell over and an hour later, my only option for walking was by holding my thighs so I could stand up.  I was not really “up” since my back was completely arched over, but at least I was walking.  

The next morning, when I awoke, I screamed in agony as it took me 45 minutes to crawl the 15 or so feet to the bathroom.  I was taken to the doctor, but all he could do was inform me that I had a slipped disc and write out a prescription for pain killers.  They didn’t really work any better than the vodka did years before.  So reluctantly, without much of a choice, I stayed in bed for the next three days. 

I was fine for another four years, when it happened again.  Only this time it lasted six months.  Doctors could not help and more and more I was finding myself either holding my thighs so that I could walk, crawling with agony or laying down on the floor with my feet up on a chair.  However, this time, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

What did I do?   I signed up for a yoga class.  It took several more months to heal my back, but it did work.  I never again would have to bend down to hold my thighs just so that I could walk.  Also, I went from only being able to do a one-inch side bend to side bending with the best of them.  It worked!  Whenever my back would start to feel a little wobbly, I would practice my yogic positions and be as good as new within minutes.

…That is until last month.

Yep, it happened again, only this time, I actually am better off than I have been in the past.  Don’t get me wrong, I am in pain and I am a bit on the cranky side, but these days I am Spiritually Awake and I look at the good points that are occurring out of all this too.  Furthermore, the yoga, is keeping me upright.  I may not be able to sit down, but I am standing and able to walk—and that is great news indeed!  I simply can’t carry anything much beyond my wallet without wanting to rip my hair out.

The reader might be wondering what could possibly be the good that is coming out from my pack pain.  Well, there is always a good reason for every single situation.  It is simply up to me to delve into the depths of my core to see it.  

The following is what came up for me:

ASKING FOR HELP

Okay, this is a tough one for me, as I categorically do not at all in any way, shape or form like to ask for help.  I like to do things on my own, relying on myself for everything.  That’s all well and good for the controlling ego, but Spirit says, “Hey we are all in this together.  We are not supposed to be individual islands going about our own business.  We are here to be a community and to help one another.”  And help I have needed.  I have been doing trade to get rides to help me run my errands.  My friends and colleagues carry my backpack or purse for me.  At work, everyone else does all the lifting for me.  I have received energy healing from friends, including one who I ran into at the supermarket while waiting for a cab. 

It occurred to me that the Universe will always make certain one way or another that we do something it wants us to do and if I am not a willing participant in the asking for help game, it will make it mandatory for me to do so—and I have.  So, this was lesson #1.

REST

For lesson #2, it was time to do some resting.  Now, I have to say that I have what I call a type A-minus personality.  I am not quite as crazy as I used to be, with a need to be constantly going going going, but I do like to have a plethora of things to do, my writing, reading and studying being on the top of the list.  However, right now, I am spending a lot of time lying down and therefore, I can’t get much done.  It is clear to me that the Universe wants me to rest now, so I am doing just that.

GROUNDING

Now, I teach grounding meditations to people—and yes, I practice what I preach.  Nearly every day I am outside grounding with Mother Earth.  However, now I am not just doing one meditation a day.  For you see, as I lie on the floor, I allow myself to feel the energy from Mama Gaia reaching around my body. After the first time I did this I thought of how at the end of the film, Avatar, our hero was saved by the energy coming from the planet and its tree of life as its roots wrapped themselves around his ailing body.  Since that memory popped into my head, I took it as a sign and I began to visualize (and literally feel) the same thing happening to me.  As our Mother embraces me with her Love it not only helps me feel better, I feel as though I am receiving an energetic session from a friend.  It is a beautiful practice that I would have never considered before.

Additionally, I am finding that with each energetic session I book, whether it is acupuncture, yoga, reiki and so on, I am experiencing it differently than I normally do.  I have always been one to go deep within the trance state, as I am still able to do.  However, in the past, I was deep in my Spirit and now I am deep in my body.  As I experience each session, I am deeply rooted with the Divine Feminine within me.  In other words, my back is helping me to express my own inner Goddess—and that is a good thing!

A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

There is no doubt that I am doing a lot of lying around, including on the floor.  I have come to realize that if I spend about five minutes an hour on the floor at work, I can manage to make the sales that I need to make so that my boss is a happy camper.

A few days ago, when we didn’t have any customers, I was doing just that as I looked up at my friend while we were chit-chatting.  She sat in a chair and I was on the floor.  It donned on me that I was being gifted the opportunity to see life from a different perspective.  I am on the floor looking up, while everyone else is either standing or sitting looking down upon me.  We usually look at people without really thinking too much about it, but now as I gaze upward, I am paying attention to every nuance.  Taking a look at life from a different perspective is always a good thing.

ANGER

So, this may seem like an odd thing to add to this positive list.  Still, it is understandable that when one is in constant unadulterated pain, it is not always easy to control the crankiness factor.  Everything is setting me off these days. When others inform me of what I should be doing I can’t help but explode.  I know everyone means well, and for that I am grateful, but no matter what, the Universe is guiding me through this experience and offering its truly expert opinion of what I need to be doing, and I will always stick to that guidance.

Admittedly, being angry is not the most pleasant of experiences.  That being said, anger is not a bad thing in and of itself.  It’s the holding on to the anger that isn’t so great.  I have realized that as my anger is being expressed, that it really is a symbol for all the anger I have held onto for years.  It has to come out at some point and it seems to be coming to the surface now, in order for it to be released into the wild blue yonder—and for that I am also grateful.

I would like to add that I hope that anyone who was unfortunate enough to have experienced my snippy behavior, please accept my sincerest apologies and know it is not you…it’s all about me!

COMPASSION

This one actually surprised me.  So many people have been telling me what to do and so many people have also chided me for not “healing” myself more quickly since I am a healer.  What they don’t realize is that healing means different things for different people at different times in their lives.  It is not up to anyone else to decide what I need to be doing to “cure” myself.  Truth be told, with each day I receive new information about myself and as I move through this time in my life, I am healing more deeply than just the physical body.  I am healing at the mental/emotional and Spiritual levels, as well.  I have needed every single agonizing moment to bring a deep level of awareness to me.  This experience has been yet another springboard for me to understand the nature of my Being more clearly.  

Furthermore, as I gained more information, I took the original anger that my ego controlled and I turned it into compassion.  I feel compassion for not only the people that have been upset with me for not doing it their way, but I also feel compassion for myself for my reaction towards them in the first place.  We all have our paths to experience and how another person relates to what I am doing is none of my business.  As long as I am happy with the road I am on, that is what counts.

THE BANDAID FACTOR

On that account, my ego has been very active in trying to control the situation.  I am using acupuncture, reiki, reconnective healing, crystals, lying on the floor, meditations, not to mention the various creams and gels I have been putting on my back.  Most of it has helped and I am grateful for them all, but then I go back onto the roller coaster ride of varying degrees of pain, because I hadn't gotten to the root of the problem yet. 

A few days ago, that all changed.  It started out by me trying yet another concoction on my back.  Much to my chagrin, it had an adverse affect on me.  My skin immediately began to burn, so much so that I had to hop in the shower to wash the stuff off of me.  The result was that I now not only had a spinal issue to contend with, I also had a rash to boot.  If I hadn't been in so much pain I would have laughed.  I felt like I was on a comedy sketch where one thing after another thing goes wrong—except in this case, the only audience member I had was myself.

So, I did what I always did and plopped on the floor when a thought entered my brain. It was my own voice that spoke in my head, but it seemed to be coming from another Source.  It announced rather matter-of-factly, “My second chakra is practically screaming at me!”  That is when I realized that my second chakra is screaming at me.  For all of these weeks I had been using one thing after another to try to heal myself, when all I was really doing was putting a “bandaid” on the situation.  Bandaids (even when they are homeopathic) only work for so long before the real issue needs to be dealt with.

It wasn’t actually my back that was the problem, it was that my second chakra was trying to get my attention and since I wasn’t paying heed to it, it manifested in both my back pain and a rash, until I did pay attention to it.  I began affirming in my mind that I love my second chakra and I am the Queen.  I am the Queen of my reality, after all.  The second I had my “ah-ha” moment, the itching from the rash went away!  Only minutes before, I had been scratching until my skin was raw and now I felt relief.  My back pain began to subside, as well.  It’s not completely gone yet, but it is a work in progress.

PATIENCE

If I don't work, I don't get paid, so instead of being able to take the sick time I could have used for a rapid recovery, I have had an arduous climb towards my healing. When I realized that the Universe was teaching me patience I felt of a wave of amusement. This is because even though patience is supposedly a certifiable virtue, I have very little of it.  So, the Universe being as funny as it is decided to provide an arena for me to practice being patient.  Well, this has certainly been an education for me. 

REBIRTH

As I sit and ponder my situation, I literally see the rebirthing process going on within me.  As I shed away the layers that no longer serve me, it is clearly not always comfortable.  However, even though I don’t know what the end result will be, I do know that it will be glorious.  I know this because when we think about an actual woman giving birth there is inevitably pain involved, and yet the end result is a miracle.  I am certain that is what is happening to me and for that I am pleased.

To wrap up, this situation with my back can be seen as a metaphor.  Like an onion, with each layer I have peeled, another lesson was here for me to learn until I got to the sweet core of it all.  As I began to feel better, I celebrated by meandering around my garden, observing the distant lightning filling up the sky.  A cloud glided by and it appeared to me like an angel breathing in and out.  I took this to heart and breathed in while feeling the energy of my breath move down my spine and as I breathed out, I envisioned the breath taking all the energy that no longer served me outside of my body.  As I did so the lightning continued to charge and even one of its brother thunder claps sent energy to my middle back and that was an instant release for me.  

As the pain was further releasing through my ceremony, I lifted my arms into a V shape.  The V was for the victory I felt.  As I held my arms above my head, a butterfly flew through the space, just missing my head by inches.  Considering Butterfly is not only my Power Animal, it also symbolizes transformation, I was elated.  Needless to say, transforming is exactly what I was doing.

Thank you for reading and Namaste! (The Light in me recognizes the Light in you!)

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