The Voice

For much of my life I have given the impression that I am gregarious and self-assured. One look at me and one might think I owned the room because I exude extreme confidence. I have a powerful voice and can give presentations to large groups without a microphone. I can walk up to anyone and start a conversation. In fact, I have travelled alone, because I know I will meet people along the way. While I have a demonstrative side to me the truth of the matter is that it is often masking another side; my deep sense of insecurity.

As a young girl, I was extremely shy. I was cute. I was smart. I was a great athlete. I was the one that all the adults loved because I had all of these qualities and my shyness kept me quiet. Confrontation was not my cup of tea. My fears of being found weird always surrounded me. All I ever wanted in life was to be ‘normal.’ I didn’t want to say the ‘wrong’ thing at home, so I said nothing. I kept conversations with my friends on the side of frivolity and of no real consequence. I was safe. I was the Queen of Safe.

Then in the 8th grade it occurred to me to save every penny I earned that year to buy an all new fashionable wardrobe for the start of high school. I saved my allowance. I took every babysitting and housecleaning job I could muster. I made $1.50 cash an hour and I worked very hard to save several hundred dollars to accomplish my goal. It was the early 80’s and the Esprit Outlet in San Francisco was new and a well-guarded secret. I packed my savings in my wallet and my mother and I were off for a day of shopping. It was an extraordinary experience with discounts that I have not seen since. While there I found a pair of pants for $5.00. In fact, I found several pairs for $5.00. I frankly don’t think I spent more than that on any item I purchased. Needless to say, that was the beginning of my cute clothes era.

That year, I also practiced being outgoing. Stacey Buchanan and I would go to the roller rink every week and I would pretend to be funny, charming and all the other adjectives describing an outgoing person. I was terrified, but I acted my way through it to where at some point it became natural. So, at the tender age of 14 I was officially extroverted and would remain so to this day. I could literally teach Extroversion 101 to anyone.

With clothes that could be found in a magazine and my new personality one would think I had it made. However, this new sense of myself only suppressed my fears even further. They were building into a giant skyscraper inside me. At every turn I would think that someone was mad at me. If they didn’t call me back right away or later as we moved into the era of emails, if they didn’t return an email at rocket speed then they definitely were mad at me. Of course, they were mad at me. In my mind I wasn’t lovable so they had every reason to be angry with me. My fears would be alleviated when they finally contacted me, but only until the next time.

While I can debate with the best of them, I never discussed anything about my authentic self. I kept my abilities as a healer, my intuitive side and my interests in spirituality and alternative dimensions almost exclusively a secret. Even through the awakening period I have experienced during the last couple of years where for the first time in my life I have had the greatest joy in displaying my true self to those connected to spirit, I have still remained hidden around those who have not connected with their spiritual side, including with my own family.

I hadn’t lived with my father since I was 5 years old. With this economic downturn I found myself in a bit of a pickle and needed a place to stay. I moved in with him and my ‘other mother’ for six months this year. I think it is safe to say that my parents do not know me. They know what they want to see, but they do not know me. Anytime I tried offering any sort of opening into my life an argument would ensue. In fact, once I asked where a tennis shoe store was in the area and my father picked a fight with me. Once again I bottled up and became quieter than ever. And then one day it happened…I faced my fears and I told my father off. Forty-two years in the making and I finally stood up to this man. Hallelulia!

In the last two years, I have not had a conventional life. I went from having the most beautifully decorated home to living in my car and moving from house to house taking any house-sitting jobs I could find. I sold everything that didn’t fit into my car. Then after 13 months my car finally took its final breath and I had to move in with my parents.

As scary as my homeless situation was I knew that as I was letting material things go, that something was happening inside me where I was listening for the first time to my inner wisdom. I have had such a deep awakening and my sense of clarity has opened up that I no longer have tunnel vision. I see the bigger picture in every situation now. I know that because I lost everything I am opening up to my authentic life and that all the intense work I have been putting into myself is paying off. There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and I am on track to receive it…and to see all the pretty colors along the way.

My linear thinking parents on the other hand have thought that I am wasting my education by not getting a ‘real’ job and assume that I am wasting away into nothingness. I know that all the work I am doing is getting me to the next step in my life. By living my authentic life, I am planting the seeds that are becoming a beautiful field. I not only feel my greatest joy, but I have an absolute knowledge that abundance is opening up to me as it never has before.

I have lived a lifetime of being afraid; of not saying all that I should of or could of said. I have allowed my fear of my father’s disapproval run every aspect of my life without even being aware of it until very recently. My parents with their puritanical work ethic live in great fear of the unknown and taught me the very same thing. I have only recently began to escape this way of thinking and have opened my heart to trust that when one is aligned with the universe all will work out as it should.

I have no doubt that my parents are worried and have only my best interests at heart and I made certain to convey this fact to my father during our argument. However, I also told him I need to live my life the way I see fit. I was house-sitting at the time of this confrontation and even though I still had a lacking bank account, I decided to trust that the universe would provide a home for me. I told my father I would not be returning to his house to live after the house-sitting job was over. He argued that I didn’t have any money to live on my own. I told him I would sink or swim on my own.

I continued by sharing my feelings about how I had been treated by him over the years. I am middle aged and yet he still treats me as though I am 12 years old, which he actually agreed with. For six months living with my parents I was constantly in trouble. Yep, at 42 I was back at home getting into trouble. God forbid I leave a dirty dish next to my computer. The entire world would fall apart. I worked on their household duties for 1 ½ to 5 hours a day, but in their eyes I was not working hard enough. I conveyed that they never believe me and they certainly do not trust me. I have clients that allow me to use their cars, their credit cards and give me their personal information, but I made to feel like I am stealing from my parents. They only offer criticism to me. As soon as I shared with him my feelings and how I have felt the extreme disappointment he has had of me my entire life everything started to shift.

Firstly, my controlling father made a shift. He went from being argumentative to letting the tension in his face literally fall away. I could see it happening. He calmed down and told me he loved me as he was hugging me. It was a great way to end the argument…and a complete surprise. When I explained what happened to a friend she offered that no one wants to be mean, because the meanness hurts them, as well. Once I set my boundaries with him, he changed…and so did I.

After he left, I checked my computer only a few minutes later and an email was waiting for me from someone who was offering their home to me for trade for the last five weeks I would be in this country. I would trade my professional organization services in lieu of rent. Voila, I had a place to stay. Maybe I didn’t have a way to pay for a place by conventional means, but by thinking outside the box, and by expressing my truth, the universe gifted me with the temporary home I needed.

Two days later I returned the credit card my parents allowed me to use for the last six months to buy groceries and when I returned home another email was waiting for me from someone in Paris who was offering their home for me for trade starting on January 1st when I arrive there (to read more about my move to Paris, read A Leap of Faith from October). The universe is talking to me. As soon as I expressed my true feelings and let go of the fear of losing my parents’ credit card doors started to open for me. Abundance was showing up in a big way.

Being safe all my life didn’t work for me and I was unhappy. Why would I want to continue on a path that didn’t work for me? I am now on my true path and the universe is affirming this fact by speaking loudly and clearly to me. I have found my voice and I am honoring it. I AM a metaphysician. I AM a writer. I AM a healer. I AM a shaman. I AM a teacher. I AM a traveler. My only hope is that everyone can look inside themselves and find their true voice and find the strength to live as they see fit, as well. Your inner wisdom is waiting for you, you just have to tap into it.

Thank you for reading and Namaste! (The Light in me recognizes the Light in you!)